Wednesday, 21 March 2012


Hey all,

Still here - got super sick with pneumonia :(

Could hardly keep my eyes open never mind write a blog!

But as I put the pieces back together over the next few days expect some posts!

That is assuming I havent lost you all completely!!!


Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Trepidations and Tours

**Thanks for letting me know there are still a few of you out there! Helps to know I'm not writing into the void! Its my birthday tomorrow and I'm missing M more than ever - so it helps to get some of it down in the blog.**

I woke up the next morning in Greg's bed. Confused. Hungover. And wearing absolutely no clothes...

Flashes of the night before came running back in. 

There was wine, there were tears, and then there was the kissing that lead to more than kissing, which led me to wake up in Greg's sheets. The worst part is, what I remember distinctly is - it wasn't good. It was awkward and weird. And I'm having awful flashbacks even as I write this. 

I pulled the sheets tighter around myself looked up and saw Greg awake and watching me. He was giddy and bubbly. I felt tried and hungover. This had all the makings of a reallllllly bad weekend...

"Morning! How did you sleep?!" He asked. His disposition was so sunny, it only made me want to hit my head against the wall.

I grunted in response. He babbled incoherently about things I can't remember for a few more minutes, until I said I needed to go brush my teeth.  I pulled the sheets up with me as I walked to go find clothes.  He laughed as I left the room and said "Now you decide to be shy?" I found myself wanting to hit my head against the wall even more.

I got dressed. Spent a few minutes in the bathroom trying to collect myself. More things came rushing back. "The curve of your back is so amazing." "You're skin is so beautiful." "I just love touching you." Who was this guy!? I suppose these are things some girls would love to hear, but they made me shiver. It was too intimate. It was too real. 

What had I gotten myself into?

I left the bathroom and made my way back to Greg's room. He was dressed and I think he could tell I was fairly uncomfortable or confused. He mentioned that he had to go to the bank and why didn't I hang back and do some work, as I had mentioned that I had some. I couldn't have been more thankful for the time to myself. 

I messaged S immediately. She thought the whole situation was hilarious. To some degree she was right. It was mildly amusing... but what worried me how Greg was interpreting everything. His cheery morning behaviour had me slightly concerned. 

S gave me a bit of perspective. She told me to remember why Greg was in Hungary - he was there to deal with his mother's estate. She told me to think about how he was probably feeling - overwhelmed, sad, and in need of a friend. It helped clear my head and after a shower I no longer felt the urge to smack my head into the wall! He was there for the part of the evening where I cried over M and talked about how I was so clearly not over him, and about how much I missed him. Surely he couldn't have interpreted my drunken actions for anything more than they were... He was in a vulnerable place too. Maybe we were just both using each other for comfort. Maybe this wasn't a big deal at all. Maybe I was just being massively conceited for even thinking he would interpret our evening together as anything more than what it was. Maybe...

Greg returned after about an hour and suggested he take me out touring and suggested a few must-see sites. His mood was distinctly heavier after having been to the bank and transferring over some of his mothers accounts. It seemed we both needed distractions and my need to see Budapest seemed like the perfect opportunity for both of us!

Once we started walking he said "Hey, do we need to talk about anything? You seem a little..." 

"Nope. I don't need to talk about anything. You?" I answered, maybe a bit too quickly. "Nope." He said. 

We found some brunch at a restaurant overlooking the Danube and onto the parliament buildings. It was beautiful. We talked about our friends from home and silly university memories. Then he told me more about where we would go and what we would see. He gave me a detailed history of the parliament buildings. 

Later on as we walked around he showed me Gellert Hill, Matthias Church, and Buda Castle among other things. We walked over the Szechenyi chain bridge and along the Danube promenade. We capped off the day by seeing the War museum. It was amazing. The buildings were amongst the most venerable I'd ever seen. I was amazed with the architecture, the history, the language, the culture, all of it. I never expected Budapest to be so beautiful.

And to be honest, I was amazed with Greg. He was an excellent tour guide. He took care of everything. He refused to let me pay for anything. And he was consistently asking if this is what I wanted to see, if I needed a bathroom, if a needed a break or a drink. He could have run his own tour company! We had fun. It felt like I was with my friend and like the night before never happened. 

But it did happen and we had 2 more nights that we were spending together in Budapest. 

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Escaping Tears

***I'm back - and will be regularly. I apologize profusely for the lonnnnng hiatus. Let me know if you're still here!***

We headed back to his place, where we continued to drink. At the end of next bottle of wine the topic of M finally came up... 

Greg finally braved the topic of M and asked what our deal was. I explained that we had broken up because I moved, and that there were probably some other issues we needed to deal with anyways. But I was skeptical - everyone back home knew we had broken up, and Greg always seemed to know about what was going on in my life through them - I knew he kept tabs on me, in a non-creepy way. 

I ventured the following, "But even without having asked that, didn't you think we were broken up if I was coming here to here to see you. I mean you two..." I was trying my best to sound nonchalant, but the sadness I felt every time I thought of M began to creep into my voice and threatened to betray me.

Greg just sort of smiled at me. "I mean I guessed that you had, but I gave you your own room..."

"For which I am entirely grateful." I was sure to add and forced a laugh to push back the tears that threatened to fill my eyes. 

The topic progressed to his ex-girlfriend Corey. She was a piece of work. I had never liked her. Ever. Which I am sure doesn't surprise anyone. But I swear, she was actually awful. Case and point: she didn't go to school in the same city as Greg and I, so whenever she came to visit I made sure to include her in loads of plans and told her if she needed anything to let me know. On several occasions I invited her out just the two of us for coffee in case she needed a break from all the testosterone (Greg lived with 6 boys). She always declined. Finally she came up to me one night, completely out of the blue and said "I don't want to be your friend. Please, stop trying. You're pathetic." Can you say bitch alert!?

After Greg's mom got ill and he decided he was going to go stay with her. He told Corey that they would need to take some space since he would be moving overseas for a bit to take care of his mom. Apparently, she decided 'space' meant a full fledged break up and within a week of his departure was sleeping with someone else. But that story is a whole other can of skanky worms and I digress...

Greg was bitter and furious with Corey, and I was just really sad and confused about M. What ensued was two very drunk people, who were very messed up over their past relationships, trying to leave all the bad feelings behind. 

More alcohol was imbibed. We tried to change the subject. We talked about our families and ended up in a bizarro game of whose family would like the other better. I was adamant that I charmed the pants of parents and grandparents without even trying, and Greg was convinced that my grandmother would fall madly in love with him and insist that he was the best person in the world. We were laughing and having a good time. Greg's grandparents lived in Hungary and he invited me to go meet them to make good on my claims. 

What started off as a silly game began to feel awfully intimate and after another glass of wine or two, Greg began to tell me how he still had feelings for me and that he was so happy I came to see him. 

As a response I began to cry. The tears I was holding back earlier finally escaped.

"I just don't understand why he doesn't want to talk to me." I sobbed.

Greg responded, without missing a beat, "I just can't stand that anyone would ever make you this sad.  You're even beautiful when you cry."

I looked up and he caught me off guard and kissed me. I was both surprised and confused. 

Within seconds we were all over each other...

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Update and New Post

Hi all!
Happy New Years!  I hope its been going well with you all so far.
So sorry for my super delayed-ness. Loads to share with you! New post coming tonight or tomorrow.

Monday, 26 December 2011

Xmas Cheer

Hi all,

My family surprised me with a fun trip to somewhere nice and warm! So, minor hiatus until the 31st.


Sunday, 18 December 2011

Boozy in Budapest

Reading week quickly came up during first semester. I didn't have any plans - just figured I would get caught up in my school work or try to get ahead. I was also looking forward to touring London and I had started to make some good friends and was occupying myself with them. 

I still thought about M alllllll the time, but I forced myself not to message him and I'm proud to say I didn't. I think it's pretty important to respect what he had asked of me. 

On the Tuesday night of reading week I got a message from a friend of mine, Greg. Greg and I were best friends during most of university, but the summer before I went travelling and ultimately met M, Greg told me he was in love with me. I told him he was in love with the idea of being in love with his best friend, but that he wasn't really in love with me. Greg had only ever had relationships that started in a club with a hook up and were kind of messy the whole way through. He's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had and he has told me on occasions he intends to get married at least twice... Boyfriend material? I think not. But best friend material? Absolutely. Greg is super fun. We like the same things. He always makes me laugh. I indulge him in conversations that no one else will because they think he's nuts, which he is of course, but it's all part of his charm. It works for him. And he takes good care of friends; he would move mountains for them without even being asked to.

We met because we were neighbors in first year university. There was a brief flirtation, but it never amounted to anything. I started dating someone else (the neighbor on the other side - oh boy!) and he started his recurring weird club hook up patterns. But we still hung out, watched movies, talked for hours, studied together, and just had fun! Throughout the first three years of university it pretty much went on like this. Then we drifted a bit, he moved further, we had opposite schedules... but any time we saw each other it was always like we'd never been apart. 

Once I started dating M things got difficult. Greg really didn't like M. M didn't like the drama that Greg could cause, and eventually I was forced to pick who I wanted to spend my time with. Obviously, M won  - it was never even a contest in my mind. 

Back to the Tuesday night, Greg said that he was sitting in the airport on his way to Budapest for the week by himself to deal with some family stuff and he thought I should get on a plane and come meet him. Greg's mom had lived in Budapest for the majority of his life. His parents were divorced and his mother had passed away about a year ago. She left everything to him and he needed to go and deal with final bank transfers and land titles and what not. 

At first I thought he was nuts, and then I thought a little more. The more I thought about it, the better of an idea it seemed to be. I was off school for a week. I wanted to travel around Europe while I was in London. It was a free place to stay in Hungary, which was not a place I probably would have thought to go to. It was a new experience. I could work from there... What was the point of living in Europe if I didn't have some fun with it?

Now, I won't pretend I am entirely naive and innocent in this situation. I clearly knew that if I went something would happen. If you want the honest truth, which is massively embarrassing to put down in writing, I was terrified at the idea of being with someone other than M. It had been 3 and a half years. I was used to M, it was amazing with M, M knew my body and I knew his, and it was comfortable in a not-lazy-sort-of-way. But, at some point I was going to hook up with someone else and Greg seemed like a really good place to start. I knew how Greg felt about me and I also knew that some of those feelings were still lingering - he would be very honest about that whenever he saw me. So, as nervous as I was, I bought a ticket for Thursday departure and Sunday return. 

Greg was adorable. He sent me an itinerary of what we should do, and instructions about what taxis to take and which not to take, exchange rates, languages, weather, and everything else under the sun. He messaged me to make sure I wouldn't miss my flight on Thursday. He was just really thoughtful. 

I was still nervous. I had two glasses of wine on the airplane. 

Once I landed I exchanged some money and hoped into a cab. Greg was waiting for me at his place. He gave me a quick tour and, to my large relief, showed me my room with my own bed. I dropped my stuff and we decided to head out for dinner. 

We went to a local restaurant. The food was amazing, like really amazing!!! And of course there was wine. We talked about everything. We started with a big catch up about our lives in general. He was telling me about his grad school that he's almost done, and I told him all about London and my old job. Things snapped back to exactly how they were 5 years ago when we were closest. We laughed a lot. We talked about his mom a bit. We talked about my family too. By the end of dinner the bottle of wine was gone. 

We headed back to his place, where we continued to drink. At the end of next bottle of wine the topic of M finally came up. 

Thursday, 15 December 2011

Freaking over Facebook

I messaged M anyways.

I poured my heart out. Told him how much I missed him and how I felt so bad telling him. That it was a million times harder than I ever thought it would be to be away from him. I told him everything I felt and I apologized for leaving and for doing this to us. I apologized a million times over. For leaving, for messaging him, for being a mess.. 

The messages were devastating. I reread them now and I can feel how sad I was then. 

He read the messages and responded "It's ok. I'm at work."

And that was it. I didn't hear another word out of him. That only broke my heart more. 

I don't know what I was expecting or thinking that he would say. I don't know why I thought it would make me feel better. It really only made me feel worse. And to have him say so little back exacerbated the pain further for me. S was right - it was a REALLY bad idea to message him. 

The next day, I messaged him and just apologized for the messages and assured him it wouldn't happen again. He said one slip up in 2 weeks wasn't so bad and that it was ok. He was kinder than he was the night prior. But, really there was nothing either of us could say or do to make everything feel better. According to everyone else, it would just take time. 

I tried to stop looking for excuses to message him. I tried to keep myself occupied and not think about him. But a few days later I found an excuse to message him...

According to Facebook - M and I were still in a relationship.

See, I had agonized over this point. Do I ask to Facebook break up? Do I wait for him to do it? Should I just take it down? What if he just took it down? Maybe I should give it another week or so? How does one tactfully initiate the Facebook break up? Why did I ever even put our status on Facebook? What am I, nuts?!  It seems like it should be simple, but in reality it is anything but!

More questions abound as I thought about it further. Would he think I wanted to Facebook break up so other people could see I was single? Do I need to explain why I want to Facebook break up (even though it seems self-explanatory)? Will he be offended by the Facebook break up? Maybe he had just forgotten? I swear, even I got bored of my own thoughts. And really, what did a Facebook break up represent that a real life one didn't? How come it seemed more complicated to get M off my computer screen than moving my whole life to London?! What can I say; we live in a digital world. 

It had been about 2.5 weeks now, my friends kept telling me to bite the bullet and do it already. I think part of me was procrastinating because it was comforting for me to have the internet still think we were dating - and yes, I am aware the internet can not actually think on its own, but you know what I mean!!! It was comforting to have M still be in my extended world in some way. 

Finally, I messaged him; I asked him when he had a moment if we could chat. A little while later he answered and I just went for it and said 'I think we need to Facebook break up.' The sentence in and of itself is entirely ridiculous. But, he agreed and said he had thought about it and was sorry he hadn't brought it up before. I felt silly, but like I also needed to justify why I was asking. I explained it wasn't that I had met someone new, or was even looking for that, but that it was more that I needed to begin to let go of him and since I was going on Facebook quite a bit (when I couldn't sleep especially) it was too hard for me. He said he entirely understood. 

We chatted a bit more after that. He told me about his plans to move, and his friends and his family. I told him a bit about my life in London. Part way through he apologized to me. He acknowledged that he had been short but that it was difficult to talk to me. He knew for me that talking made me feel better, but for him it made him feel worse. I was crushed. But, I told him I understood what he was saying - and what he was saying was that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. M tried to take it back and say that wasn't what he really meant. But it was. And I should have seen it coming. 

All through our relationship, M had always been the one to give me what I needed: support, love, comfort, pep talks, packing help, more support, respect, an undying amount of belief in me, and amazing friendship. I'd like to think that I gave him what he needed as well, but M always pushed to put me and my needs first. It was my turn now to put M's needs ahead of my own - even though what he wanted was the exact opposite of what I needed. I told him that it was my turn to put him first, he protested for half a second and then agreed. 

We haven't spoken since. That was 3 months ago.