Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Trepidations and Tours

**Thanks for letting me know there are still a few of you out there! Helps to know I'm not writing into the void! Its my birthday tomorrow and I'm missing M more than ever - so it helps to get some of it down in the blog.**

I woke up the next morning in Greg's bed. Confused. Hungover. And wearing absolutely no clothes...

Flashes of the night before came running back in. 

There was wine, there were tears, and then there was the kissing that lead to more than kissing, which led me to wake up in Greg's sheets. The worst part is, what I remember distinctly is - it wasn't good. It was awkward and weird. And I'm having awful flashbacks even as I write this. 

I pulled the sheets tighter around myself looked up and saw Greg awake and watching me. He was giddy and bubbly. I felt tried and hungover. This had all the makings of a reallllllly bad weekend...

"Morning! How did you sleep?!" He asked. His disposition was so sunny, it only made me want to hit my head against the wall.

I grunted in response. He babbled incoherently about things I can't remember for a few more minutes, until I said I needed to go brush my teeth.  I pulled the sheets up with me as I walked to go find clothes.  He laughed as I left the room and said "Now you decide to be shy?" I found myself wanting to hit my head against the wall even more.

I got dressed. Spent a few minutes in the bathroom trying to collect myself. More things came rushing back. "The curve of your back is so amazing." "You're skin is so beautiful." "I just love touching you." Who was this guy!? I suppose these are things some girls would love to hear, but they made me shiver. It was too intimate. It was too real. 

What had I gotten myself into?

I left the bathroom and made my way back to Greg's room. He was dressed and I think he could tell I was fairly uncomfortable or confused. He mentioned that he had to go to the bank and why didn't I hang back and do some work, as I had mentioned that I had some. I couldn't have been more thankful for the time to myself. 

I messaged S immediately. She thought the whole situation was hilarious. To some degree she was right. It was mildly amusing... but what worried me how Greg was interpreting everything. His cheery morning behaviour had me slightly concerned. 

S gave me a bit of perspective. She told me to remember why Greg was in Hungary - he was there to deal with his mother's estate. She told me to think about how he was probably feeling - overwhelmed, sad, and in need of a friend. It helped clear my head and after a shower I no longer felt the urge to smack my head into the wall! He was there for the part of the evening where I cried over M and talked about how I was so clearly not over him, and about how much I missed him. Surely he couldn't have interpreted my drunken actions for anything more than they were... He was in a vulnerable place too. Maybe we were just both using each other for comfort. Maybe this wasn't a big deal at all. Maybe I was just being massively conceited for even thinking he would interpret our evening together as anything more than what it was. Maybe...

Greg returned after about an hour and suggested he take me out touring and suggested a few must-see sites. His mood was distinctly heavier after having been to the bank and transferring over some of his mothers accounts. It seemed we both needed distractions and my need to see Budapest seemed like the perfect opportunity for both of us!

Once we started walking he said "Hey, do we need to talk about anything? You seem a little..." 

"Nope. I don't need to talk about anything. You?" I answered, maybe a bit too quickly. "Nope." He said. 

We found some brunch at a restaurant overlooking the Danube and onto the parliament buildings. It was beautiful. We talked about our friends from home and silly university memories. Then he told me more about where we would go and what we would see. He gave me a detailed history of the parliament buildings. 

Later on as we walked around he showed me Gellert Hill, Matthias Church, and Buda Castle among other things. We walked over the Szechenyi chain bridge and along the Danube promenade. We capped off the day by seeing the War museum. It was amazing. The buildings were amongst the most venerable I'd ever seen. I was amazed with the architecture, the history, the language, the culture, all of it. I never expected Budapest to be so beautiful.

And to be honest, I was amazed with Greg. He was an excellent tour guide. He took care of everything. He refused to let me pay for anything. And he was consistently asking if this is what I wanted to see, if I needed a bathroom, if a needed a break or a drink. He could have run his own tour company! We had fun. It felt like I was with my friend and like the night before never happened. 

But it did happen and we had 2 more nights that we were spending together in Budapest. 

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Escaping Tears

***I'm back - and will be regularly. I apologize profusely for the lonnnnng hiatus. Let me know if you're still here!***

We headed back to his place, where we continued to drink. At the end of next bottle of wine the topic of M finally came up... 

Greg finally braved the topic of M and asked what our deal was. I explained that we had broken up because I moved, and that there were probably some other issues we needed to deal with anyways. But I was skeptical - everyone back home knew we had broken up, and Greg always seemed to know about what was going on in my life through them - I knew he kept tabs on me, in a non-creepy way. 

I ventured the following, "But even without having asked that, didn't you think we were broken up if I was coming here to here to see you. I mean you two..." I was trying my best to sound nonchalant, but the sadness I felt every time I thought of M began to creep into my voice and threatened to betray me.

Greg just sort of smiled at me. "I mean I guessed that you had, but I gave you your own room..."

"For which I am entirely grateful." I was sure to add and forced a laugh to push back the tears that threatened to fill my eyes. 

The topic progressed to his ex-girlfriend Corey. She was a piece of work. I had never liked her. Ever. Which I am sure doesn't surprise anyone. But I swear, she was actually awful. Case and point: she didn't go to school in the same city as Greg and I, so whenever she came to visit I made sure to include her in loads of plans and told her if she needed anything to let me know. On several occasions I invited her out just the two of us for coffee in case she needed a break from all the testosterone (Greg lived with 6 boys). She always declined. Finally she came up to me one night, completely out of the blue and said "I don't want to be your friend. Please, stop trying. You're pathetic." Can you say bitch alert!?

After Greg's mom got ill and he decided he was going to go stay with her. He told Corey that they would need to take some space since he would be moving overseas for a bit to take care of his mom. Apparently, she decided 'space' meant a full fledged break up and within a week of his departure was sleeping with someone else. But that story is a whole other can of skanky worms and I digress...

Greg was bitter and furious with Corey, and I was just really sad and confused about M. What ensued was two very drunk people, who were very messed up over their past relationships, trying to leave all the bad feelings behind. 

More alcohol was imbibed. We tried to change the subject. We talked about our families and ended up in a bizarro game of whose family would like the other better. I was adamant that I charmed the pants of parents and grandparents without even trying, and Greg was convinced that my grandmother would fall madly in love with him and insist that he was the best person in the world. We were laughing and having a good time. Greg's grandparents lived in Hungary and he invited me to go meet them to make good on my claims. 

What started off as a silly game began to feel awfully intimate and after another glass of wine or two, Greg began to tell me how he still had feelings for me and that he was so happy I came to see him. 

As a response I began to cry. The tears I was holding back earlier finally escaped.

"I just don't understand why he doesn't want to talk to me." I sobbed.

Greg responded, without missing a beat, "I just can't stand that anyone would ever make you this sad.  You're even beautiful when you cry."

I looked up and he caught me off guard and kissed me. I was both surprised and confused. 

Within seconds we were all over each other...