Awakening to a Dream

It was nearly 5:30 am, my phone kept buzzing and beeping. Could my boss really be trying to reach me now? Why was she sending out emails at this hour? I reached over M to get my phone, exasperated at the day already and it hadn't even started. Juggling work and a new school program wasn't easy and when my boss started in so early in the day, it generally meant it was going to be extra rough. I looked at the phone to see if it was anything urgent...

But the emails weren't from my boss. They were emails from the school I had applied to. I figured it was the official rejection. I had applied late February, but there were problems with the application, I had to resubmit in May. It was September 14th and I still hadn't heard back. Term began September 26th.

Dear Ms. B,

We are please to inform you of your acceptance...

Was it a joke? I read it over 6 or 7 times.  Was my blackberry playing a cruel joke on me? My heart was pounding, I was shaking. I couldn't help it, I woke up M. I was so excited, I had gotten accepted!

He was terrified something bad had happened when he felt me shaking in bed. I told him right away. He was happy for me, but I could see the light drain from his eyes. How could he be really happy for me when I had just told him I was leaving him again, and that I was excited about it? He made me read it on a computer to make sure I was right. You know how sneaky those blackberrys are... ;)

By now it was nearly 7 am. I don't know how an hour and half had passed. It was like time was on fire. I called my mom, she knew right away - she has some sort of weird mother-daughter ESP! I called my sister, and my dad. Messaged my brother - he's not one to be woken up early if you value your life. M left the room to give me some privacy while I spoke to my family, or maybe it was to give himself some privacy...

He told me he called his dad when he came back into the room to tell him the news. His parents had been happy that we finally got to be in the same city and that I would see them more often, and that M would see me more often. I had been happy to, but always in a defeated sort of way I think. I think they could all feel it; my desire to be at a different school - the one school I had spent the past year tip toeing around mentioning for fear of hurting M, for fear of building up my hopes, for fear of failure, for fear of disappointment... 

I had never lied to M. He knew what I wanted. I was always truthful about the fact that getting in meant I was going. I don't think it made it any easier in the end. 

We were up now - there was no falling back asleep. Both our heads were swimming. He was being so sweet and supportive, but I could feel his energy change. We went to go get coffee together.

Finally he said "Will you be here when I get back?" I had almost forgotten he was leaving the next day to help move his dad back down to Mexico. I didn't know the answer to his question.

He returned September 30th.

His birthday was September 31st.

Term started September 26th. It didn't seem likely. I told him we would figure something out, but I wasn't sure. I think it was the first time I had stopped to really think about what it meant for us. I was so selfish.

While we were getting coffee my boss called. She was happy for me, but sad I was leaving the same time zone as her - she's an amazing mentor, but a tough boss and I was a good worker. She was sad to see me really go. 

We had always talked about me visiting Mexico with M while his dad was down there. I got it in my head that maybe I should go to Mexico... maybe it was the perfect way to say good bye... 

M had to be at his parents house the next day to help his dad pack. I had said I would drive him. I didn' t have class any more, since I was pulling out of the program I had already started. But the drive felt stiff and uncomfortable. I tried to get him to talk to me, to open up, but M - ever the supportive boyfriend - would only be happy for me. 

After I dropped him off there wasn't much time to talk. I stayed around a few hours. Helped to pack and then dropped M at his friends house as they already had plans. I felt hurt he wouldn't cancel them to come be with me, but did he really want to spend the day with me while I went to apply for a visa and told friends and family that I was leaving? It would be like getting repeatedly punched in the stomach. I asked if he anted to come to my family dinner, we were going out sort of as a celebration. He said no, he was leaving the next day and didn't want to leave his dad. I understood. I was sad, but I understood. Like I said, I was selfish. I am selfish... especially when it comes to M.