Ultimatums

I spent the rest of the day running around figuring out how I was going to move so quickly ! I had to drop out of the program at York, pack up my life, get a visa, tell friends and family... It was a whirlwind. I drove home from M's friends house and thought. And as I drove back to my house all I could think was - how did we not discuss the elephant in the room? Maybe he already felt like he knew the answer?


A few weeks back we had gotten into a really big fight - only there were no raised voices, because we never fought like that, rather it was two adults sitting and talking about why they were upset. I had been on a family vacation in Arizona - we talked a bunch while I was gone, but recently something had felt a bit off in our relationship. I think I felt like he wasn't trying enough to be productive and find work, whereas he felt that he came 2nd to work, and sometimes 3rd to work as well.


When I got home from the airport I called him. He was in a foul mood. He was being short and curt and it was making me upset. "What's wrong I asked?" I asked. M responded by telling me he got into a huge fight with his dad (which was not too uncomment because M's dad had really high expectations for him), and his dad had said that he either needs to get it together or stop coming home to see him.


You have to understand - that every other conversation with his dad is always about how M doesn't visit ENOUGH. And the trip for M, if I can't drive him, is at least an hour. So its always a production for M to go home. 


M was obviously upset so I let him rant and unload on me over the phone and then he said "Maybe if you told me to get my act together or you wouldn't speak to me again, then I would do it." I totally froze. For the past 3 years, the wonderful M had made it clear just how much he HATED ultimatums, and here he was saying that if I had given him one, maybe his life would be more in order... I could feel my cheeks getting hot, and then my whole face, and this pit in my stomach started to burn. I decided before I started to say something I would really regret later it was time for me to get off the phone. I said "I can NOT believe you just said that to me, and I understand that you are upset, but you just took one our biggest issues and poured some acid on it." He knew immediately what he had done. I hung up the phone. 


I sent him a text a few minutes later that said: "I understand that you were upset and were just saying things, but you just rubbed salt on one of our deepest wounds. You spent three years telling me not to give you an ultimatum, that would leave me if I ever did, and then say if I had your life would be better somehow? I am so upset right now. I don't want to talk to you until I am calmer. So please don't call me. Ill call you." Maybe a tad dramatic in retrospect! But I felt like everything I ever fought for with him, every effort I put forth to helping him achieve what he said he wanted was nullified. And I felt like everything he ever said about leave his job at the bar, working regular hours, wanting a stable income in life... I felt like that was all nullified too. 


M had been saying for years all the things that I wanted to hear: he didn't want to work at the bar forever, he wanted to a real job with a stable income, he wanted the type of life where he could send kids to university as oppose to having them take out loans, he wanted to own a house one day, he wanted children in the future, he would stop smoking cigarettes one day... and on the list goes. And I had been feeling like it was a list of empty promises, and that night I finally knew they were. I didn't trust anything he said any more about his future or about what he wanted. 


If he wanted to stay in the bar industry forever that would be fine - it just would not be fine for me. I think part of him was afraid to say what he really wanted because it meant that there was the option of not having me. Try to understand though, its not the income of working in a bar that bothers me - what bothers me is that M is brilliant - and he would never be fully happy working 3 nights a week. He sleeps away his days and then plays some video games and then goes to work - rinse and repeat.... Its hard to watch someone you know is capable of so much more bury their head in the sand, and I had been for far too long. 


A few hours later I finally messaged M, he apologized and asked if he could come over. I was hesitant and told him I couldn't pick him up. He said he was already in the car with his dad. Given that we never fight ever, I suppose he knew immediately just how real and serious this was to me. 


His dad dropped him off a half hour later and we went up stairs to my room. It was so hard to be mad at him and near him. All I wanted to do was jump into his arms and force him to hold me. He smelled so good. I didn't want to fight, I hadn't seen him in a week. I just wanted to kiss him and hold him and get into bed with him. I wanted to forget the whole conversation had ever happened...