But the conversation had happened, the fight had happened, the angry words were swirling in my head...
The amount of times I had wanted to give him an ultimatum, like get a job and quit the bar or else... had been innumerable. It was something he had said he wanted but could never make himself do. But in the end, I never wanted to be the person to make him do it. I was so aware of never wanting him to resent me. I was the one who moved away for a job, and had a job that made me travel all the time, how could I push him when I couldn't even be home to support him.
Its hard to tell you the story of us without all the minor back stories too. But Ill try and where questions arise you can always ask. These little italic bits will endeavour to give you some further background. When M and I got together, he had already been in a few serious relationships. This was my first serious relationship. I lost my virginity to M, in every sense. At the beginning of our relationship - before the word relationship was ever even used - M had told me that if this got serious, to the point of forever serious, he knew that I would need to be without him for some period of time to go and explore dating other people. At the time I only half-heartedly agreed.
But back to the night where M came over. He came upstairs and sat on my bed. I was so angry and yet all I wanted to do was be in his arms. It was so confusing. He started: he apologized, he knew something was really wrong in his life and he's been taking it out on other people, he's trying to accept responsibility, he wants to move forward, he wants to leave the bar, and on the list went, finishing with he was sorry and he loves me. A perfect apology - if we had never been here before. But we had. A few times in the past year. He promised changed, promised wanting change... yet, I was constantly waiting for the promised change.
Here was the hardest part - I only want for M what he wants for himself. So if he wants to change and leave the bar and move forward and all these other things, he has to want them for himself. Even though more than anything thing I wanted all that for me. I know I have said that I am selfish with M, but this was one area I was always cautious with. If M left the bar solely for me and found a new job he hated - by extension M would wind up hating me. It was a tricky line to walk. I tried to articulate this position to him, it wasn't one that he hadn't heard before.
But then the conversation changed, in a way it never had before. I told him I didn't believe him anymore. I told him his words felt empty and like he was only saying what he thought I wanted to hear (And he was doing an excellent job too!) I needed him to be honest with me. Truly honest. Because if the life he had now, was the life he really wanted, then I wouldn't stand in his way. I also probably would not be in it in the same capacity.
There was silence. For a long time. Followed by more silence. And some silent tears on my side...
M said that to him this was the most serious relationship he's ever been in and the only one that he wants. He saw forever.
I wasn't sure what I thought. I was terrified of being without him, yet terrified of the thought of never finding out what else was out there - not because I thought it was better - but because I just felt like I needed to know, and wondered if finding someone with aligned dreams was really this difficult.
I meekly asked him if he remembered saying at the beginning of our relationship if it got serious he thought that we would need to break up for a little? He did. M said that every time he thinks about the fact that he said it he kicks himself a little, but still he knew he was right. I asked him when he thought I should take the time. And he said while he never wanted me to do it, and while it seemed impossible for me to do in my own mind, he said the moment that I questioned if I needed it and part of me, even the smallest part of me said yes, then it was time. It would be terrible for us both if 6 years down the line I turned around and felt I had made a mistake. He didn't want that for either of us.
Sometime later in the conversation, without even meaning to, I had the stupid naivete to tell him that part of me wish I had gotten into London because then we wouldn't have to have the conversation - because it would be the easiest way to take time apart without hurting one another. The second it came out of my mouth I regretted it. I look back now and wonder how I could have been so stupid to have the audacity to think somehow it would hurt less. I am in awe of my heartlessness and lack of compassion. I can NOT imagine sitting where M sat and hearing me say that. I hate myself a lot for that part of the conversation. M deserves better than someone who could be so callous. And yet the thought of him with anyone else churns my stomach.
The conversation exhausted us both. I knew that what he had said earlier in the night about the ultimatum was out of anger, and I was still hurt he had said it, but it was late in the night. There was nothing else to be done. We were all talked out. All I wanted was for him to hold me and tell me things were going to be ok. Make me feel safe again like he always did. So we put on a movie, got in to bed, and that's what he did. He held me, all night long. And fight or no fight it was the best place in the whole world to be. In M's arms, I was home. And it was the best home I'd ever known.
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